Funny...
Funny how I used to be glued to the T.V those days...
Watching Ally Macbeal, Dawsons Creek, Dharma and Greg, The Wonder Years and so many more..
Laughing at jokes I rarely understood...
Smiling when an 'on-screen' kiss happens...
Shutting my eyes tight when clothes fall off...
Funny...
How I used to hum to the soundtracks...
Not understanding the meaning behind it...
Listening to words I could rarely grasp...
Agreeing to Western lifestyle...
Dreaming.. Fantasizing... Imagining...
Would I end up like Greg? With my own Dharma, the love of my live?
Or maybe, someone like Ally ( the male version of course)
Holding a professional job, walking down the street in the morning with my cuppa Starbucks?
What about handling adolescence with innocence, as Kevin Arnold did in The Wonder Years.
Probably, Mulder! Suave and Sleek...Only to speak when needed...
Perhaps, Ross! Living with a bunch of friends seems cool...
(I guess)
Funny...
How it all sums up to the way I think now...
Looking back...
I am glad i had those moments of T.V when i was young...
Imagination is good I say...
Watching those shows again, now I finally get it!
Funny...
How those lines hits you right on the face...
How the songs once meant nothing now says a lot about you..
How the emotions, once just a stage play now relate-able...
How the story, once just a story, now becomes a mirror...
Funny....
8 gone 9 came...
2008 was weird.
It was a year filled with hopes, happiness, love, procrastinations, destruction, disappointments, and heart ache.
Overwhelming i would say.
I learnt so many new things and i understand how life is.
2009 will be even weirder now..
As, i know there is more knocking on my door.
More great moments and disturbing times.
Well every new year we wish for a better year ahead.
Nothing wrong in that, but, no matter how much we hope and dream..
Nothing happens... Why?
Because i have realized no matter what we die to achieve,
Nothing works out unless we are passionate about it.
Hypocrisy?
Nope!
I now know how life should be lived.
With a strong desire to LIVE i would like to wish everyone...
HAVE A BLESSED 2009...
Endure your life with a smile...
Be nice...
and...
Rock On!
P/S: Thanks to everyone who made 2008 a year worth living in...
I have awaken...
I have awaken
From a deep slumber of ignorance
Ignorance towards myself as a person and the world around
I asked for the purpose of my existence,
I questioned the powers of the Supremacy,
I, now possess the answers,
Answers to questions brewing so strong its catastrophic,
For myself, as well as, the world around,
I now hold the enigma, bewildered with concious-ness,
Wondering what is my next step and where should i place it,
I crave for a cycle of change,
With this answers I now posses the capabilities to change ME.
Patience, empathy, forgiving, maturity in thinking, love, compassion...
Virtues i have ignored and camouflaged,
Camouflaged with narcissism, pretentious-ness, and ignorance,
Ignorance to face the imperfect-ness we all abide by.
I have woken,
To a changed individual,
I shall rise and face the ultimatum,
Leaving every fear far behind,
As I walk along the trails of ...
Genocide
Ever wondered on the purpose of your life?
How often have you caught yourself questioning on your whereabouts in, often many situations?
Dwelling is what I do best. Pondering over every logical (at times illogical) question...
Yet, I have not reached far in my realm of ambiguity.
Farthest I have conquered would be answering objective questions which have had its stand in Google.
Why am I bound to reach roadblock in life, motionless in my own predominant ego?
Why are there times where everything seems so perfectly fitted and nothing else matters, only to stumble upon Lucifer awaiting His chance to snatch it all away for good?
When would I reach my own “nirvana” on earth?
Well that is just the beginning of the adventure I am facing. My very own escapade of discoveries and more un-answered and un-answerable questions...
In a nutshell, I’m stuck! Fluxed with my very own mind playing its countless shenanigans on me...
I have yet to reach a destination where I am content mentally, emotionally, physiologically (and everything in between)
It is a major bane when you are just sitting there like a mannequin, nodding away in momentum of everyone around you. To have your inner feelings suppressed by what others view as the most logical thing you can do... to have others decide for you whilst your heart quivers endlessly, yearning to be heard. Yet your lips seals shut! Shut tight into pure enigma of pathetic-ness. Again I find myself in front of the mirror, stripped bare, in nothingness. Naked with only my questions playing as a robe, protecting my bare skin...
Empty without a sense of direction to where your heading is as similar to committing suicide. Only difference I see is the existence of the physical body during and after the emotional and at times physical pain. What am I doing? Is this what I want in life? See... questions again. I feel lost in my own regime of constrains and desires. Constrains of changes I dislike, desires noted in my diaries, constrains of responsibility I am tangled in, constrains of expectations of others, and so many more, much untold.
Is this what life is all about? Contemplation and aggravation increasing as youth is swallowed by time, is this what life is meant to be like or likewise?
I hope not! If it is.., why am I not happy? If it’s not, where are the secrets hidden for a better life? Are those actually secrets? Myths? Or are those just pure manifestation initiated by generations long time ago? Perhaps ‘happiness’ is strolling through my eyes as I watch it pass away slowly, while I become hyperactively constrained by my own diversion?
I dread not think of the feelings overwhelming me now.
As it would only hamper ‘thee’ in slow death.
(In a non literal sense that is)
Genocide of the mind...
Yeah...
...that is exactly what I would call it.
Emotional Genocide.
~Shhh...~
Ok, things are changing so rapidly now, I feel like I am about to fall off a cliff anytime soon. Just one step forward and there I go falling flat on my face, facing death or paralysis.Drama is the essence of life, but what do you do when the drama becomes violent?
I am living in sheer procrastination and pretentious-ness. (…and I am sick of it…)
Don’t blame me for it as I find no other alternatives. Yet I am confused on how to change myself.
I have sacrificed a lot and hushed them for years… Yet no one sees it and no one even bothers acknowledging it.
Then again, I can’t complain…
Who is there to listen to my cries?
Who is there to tend to my needs?
Who is there to support me like a best friend would?
Who is there to pat me at the back and say it proud, “he is my best friend”
I am losing confidence in all I do, yet again I have to hush things and suppress it to myself…
Is this how things should be?
Or am I being plain dumb and ignorant towards “self-help”?
Hmmmm……..
Compromising & Understanding...
It troubles me when I stumble upon these two words in my head...
No matter how much I try to separate the two infamous words, yet the finale always turns out to be the same. Compromising and understanding, comes hand in hand. We have learned that to enable understanding, we need to compromise. In order to compromise, we need to understand...
What puzzles me is the inability to understand and compromise at certain circumstances. Why does this happen we ask? Well its simple... Not one human being is born equal. Practically every individual are born differently. We develop a contrasting mindset compared to others, thus we are unique in our thinking and our values. As we grow, we are influenced by our surroundings. Media, people we interact with and even family.
A couple in a relationship must ensure the ability to understand and compromises exist between them. However what is there to be done when there is lack of similarities when the two individuals are a major contrast in terms of thinking. Does this bring D-Day to the relationship?
On a personal basis, I find compromise and understanding an easy task to be carried out. It simply emphasizes on empathy. When you put yourself in another person’s shoe, you see the logic in their thoughts, and actions. Such things brings us closer to the objective of understanding and thereafter, compromising.
I find it worthless when a couple separates because of lack of understanding and compromise. Here compromise also generates the idea of sacrifice. Well I have learned that it is crucial for a couple to sacrifice in order to achieve a sustainable relationship.
However, one must never give in too much as too much of something is as fatal as nothing at all...
This can go on as it is a debatable topic; however I would just like to pass this message to my partner...
“Darling, I am compromising and understanding as much as I can...
I am human too, and there are things that I need time to work on...
It doesn’t mean that I have less feelings for you or that I don’t want too..
It just takes time...
I love you... and I will never allow petty matters surpass as a reason for our downfall...
And I definitely expect the same from your side....”
With Love,
~C~
~Overwhelmed.... yet again...
I want to carry you in my arms and sing you a lullaby...
I want to rip you apart and see you suffer...
I want to smack some sense into your empty brain...
I want to idolize that personality I admire...
I want to make love to you all night long...
I want to run away till I’m gone...
Oh, emotions....
What a strange word you are...
You, f*cking manipulative word....
How I wish I could turn back time...
To the day where emotions ran free, dignity never on stake, innocence as white as snow.....
Time.... I really missed you...
Memories... If only I could relive them...
Euphoria... If only it would last...
Me, myself and I...
Long gone...
