My lookout...

Whenever im in the mood to blog, theres always something to hinder my plans.
Something internal. My very own ridiculous thinking. Now im finally over it. Im finally getting up and hitting those key's.

This year has been nothing but hectic. Despite all the drama's i had to endure beginning of the year I was always able to keep my cool. Now, however, im on the tip of the ice berg. At any given moment i might collapse. A ball of mental stress is what i am made off now. All the work piling up in the office seems to be going nowhere. Ahh... Im in desperate need for a vacation!
Its not easy to handle a permanant job in a company dealing with multi billion dollar clients. The requirements needed to be fulfiled is massive. I never knew this much of work will be needed for what seems to be a small task.

Life has been topsy turvy all the time, yet regret is one thing i am avoiding. I don't regret nor do i want to regret the responsibilities i have succumbed into. I am growing in every way possible and all i can do is learn as much possible and be proud for being a mile ahead of many others out there.

What more can i ask for right now many ask, I have a stable job, a partner that is beyond amazing, a grear family, and financial stability. Yet the only thing that boggles me right now is my education. I want to go further, and not stop where i have stopped. Many things has come my way, and i had no choice but to put the books on hold. I need to persue what i am interested in and excel in it. Yet there are things in have to settle before i hit the higher platform. January will be a fresh start for me. A new environment i have been craving for. Finally a chance to hit back those dusty books!

For the first time in my life i cant wait for 2010.
A new beginning i would say. A completely new beginning.

Wednesday
4th November 2009
6.40p.m

Goodbye....

It’s somehow hard-hitting to spill my mind on my recent breakup. It’s not about losing the 2 year relationship we held high, it’s not about losing the intense passion we shared, nor is it the care and comfort zone we belonged to.

It is the insecurity I now have in me. The insecurity of trusting the situation I am in.
But that’s another story….
With absolute debates in my own mind, I finally made my mind to walk out from the relationship I had for 2 years.

Now, all I am hoping for is for something good to turn out from my drastic decision.
Be it long term or short term… I’m moving on and I hope you would too.
I still care and I still hope for the best for you. I don’t hate you. All I want is to be happy and for you to be happy as well.

All the best in everything, and thanks for the great 2 years of “us”

~Q&A~

Emotions are changing… The pace I was once comfortable with is now merely within my reach. As I watch my life race pass me in speed of light, I fell to the ground only to realize how much I have missed. Subconsciously aware, yet I never allowed myself to think beyond. Here I am, striped bare, sensing the cold chills of my very own blunders.

“Things happen for a reason”

Good or bad, everything happens for a reason. Yet, discovering and realizing the core meaning of the reason seems troublesome. As for me, I vaguely manage to discover it.

Playing along is what I do best.

My words are starting to twist my life itself. Promises unfulfilled. Words spilled out from my lips before I could even think wisely on the consequences. God, I hate making promises in times of desperation, desperation, to lock my true contemplation, desperation to put a smile on someone else’s face besides mine.

I’m not Gandhi nor am I Mother Teresa, no doubt no one is. Yet, I allow the subtle bliss of locking my true emotions and thoughts just to watch others basking in the complete opposite.

“How long can I go on?” I ask myself. That’s when I find myself stranded in a corner of my room, figuring out answers to questions I know I can’t find, or never allowed myself to find. Days pass by, and repetition takes place. Again I find myself making the same mistake. Over and over again, and again I find myself, nearing to self realizations and constant self questioning. Next thing I know, no change has come.

Even at this very point, as I’m typing, my mind asks the same questions…
“How long can I go on?”

Then again, would this last at least another good 10minutes? Or will I finally bring upon myself a change I deserve? Or will I repeat my promises in disguise all over again? Am I alone in this orb of twisted words and abrupt awakenings?

Oh no! Not another set of questions.

Funny...

Funny...
Funny how I used to be glued to the T.V those days...
Watching Ally Macbeal, Dawsons Creek, Dharma and Greg, The Wonder Years and so many more..
Laughing at jokes I rarely understood...
Smiling when an 'on-screen' kiss happens...
Shutting my eyes tight when clothes fall off...

Funny...
How I used to hum to the soundtracks...
Not understanding the meaning behind it...
Listening to words I could rarely grasp...
Agreeing to Western lifestyle...
Dreaming.. Fantasizing... Imagining...

Would I end up like Greg? With my own Dharma, the love of my live?
Or maybe, someone like Ally ( the male version of course)
Holding a professional job, walking down the street in the morning with my cuppa Starbucks?
What about handling adolescence with innocence, as Kevin Arnold did in The Wonder Years.
Probably, Mulder! Suave and Sleek...Only to speak when needed...
Perhaps, Ross! Living with a bunch of friends seems cool...
(I guess)

Funny...
How it all sums up to the way I think now...
Looking back...
I am glad i had those moments of T.V when i was young...
Imagination is good I say...
Watching those shows again, now I finally get it!

Funny...
How those lines hits you right on the face...
How the songs once meant nothing now says a lot about you..
How the emotions, once just a stage play now relate-able...
How the story, once just a story, now becomes a mirror...

Funny....

8 gone 9 came...

2008 was weird.
It was a year filled with hopes, happiness, love, procrastinations, destruction, disappointments, and heart ache.
Overwhelming i would say.
I learnt so many new things and i understand how life is.

2009 will be even weirder now..
As, i know there is more knocking on my door.
More great moments and disturbing times.
Well every new year we wish for a better year ahead.

Nothing wrong in that, but, no matter how much we hope and dream..
Nothing happens... Why?
Because i have realized no matter what we die to achieve,
Nothing works out unless we are passionate about it.
Hypocrisy?
Nope!

I now know how life should be lived.
With a strong desire to LIVE i would like to wish everyone...
HAVE A BLESSED 2009...
Endure your life with a smile...
Be nice...
and...
Rock On!

P/S: Thanks to everyone who made 2008 a year worth living in...

I have awaken...

I have awaken
From a deep slumber of ignorance
Ignorance towards myself as a person and the world around

I asked for the purpose of my existence,
I questioned the powers of the Supremacy,
I, now possess the answers,
Answers to questions brewing so strong its catastrophic,
For myself, as well as, the world around,

I now hold the enigma, bewildered with concious-ness,
Wondering what is my next step and where should i place it,
I crave for a cycle of change,
With this answers I now posses the capabilities to change ME.

Patience, empathy, forgiving, maturity in thinking, love, compassion...
Virtues i have ignored and camouflaged,
Camouflaged with narcissism, pretentious-ness, and ignorance,
Ignorance to face the imperfect-ness we all abide by.

I have woken,
To a changed individual,
I shall rise and face the ultimatum,
Leaving every fear far behind,
As I walk along the trails of ...

Genocide

Ever wondered on the purpose of your life?

How often have you caught yourself questioning on your whereabouts in, often many situations?

Dwelling is what I do best. Pondering over every logical (at times illogical) question...

Yet, I have not reached far in my realm of ambiguity.

Farthest I have conquered would be answering objective questions which have had its stand in Google.

Why am I bound to reach roadblock in life, motionless in my own predominant ego?

Why are there times where everything seems so perfectly fitted and nothing else matters, only to stumble upon Lucifer awaiting His chance to snatch it all away for good?

When would I reach my own “nirvana” on earth?

Well that is just the beginning of the adventure I am facing. My very own escapade of discoveries and more un-answered and un-answerable questions...

In a nutshell, I’m stuck! Fluxed with my very own mind playing its countless shenanigans on me...

I have yet to reach a destination where I am content mentally, emotionally, physiologically (and everything in between)

It is a major bane when you are just sitting there like a mannequin, nodding away in momentum of everyone around you. To have your inner feelings suppressed by what others view as the most logical thing you can do... to have others decide for you whilst your heart quivers endlessly, yearning to be heard. Yet your lips seals shut! Shut tight into pure enigma of pathetic-ness. Again I find myself in front of the mirror, stripped bare, in nothingness. Naked with only my questions playing as a robe, protecting my bare skin...

Empty without a sense of direction to where your heading is as similar to committing suicide. Only difference I see is the existence of the physical body during and after the emotional and at times physical pain. What am I doing? Is this what I want in life? See... questions again. I feel lost in my own regime of constrains and desires. Constrains of changes I dislike, desires noted in my diaries, constrains of responsibility I am tangled in, constrains of expectations of others, and so many more, much untold.

Is this what life is all about? Contemplation and aggravation increasing as youth is swallowed by time, is this what life is meant to be like or likewise?

I hope not! If it is.., why am I not happy? If it’s not, where are the secrets hidden for a better life? Are those actually secrets? Myths? Or are those just pure manifestation initiated by generations long time ago? Perhaps ‘happiness’ is strolling through my eyes as I watch it pass away slowly, while I become hyperactively constrained by my own diversion?

I dread not think of the feelings overwhelming me now.

As it would only hamper ‘thee’ in slow death.

(In a non literal sense that is)

Genocide of the mind...

Yeah...

...that is exactly what I would call it.

Emotional Genocide.